Coming Attractions

This one was confusing. Who the heck is in this thing? A leathery Vincent Cassel, check. But who is the lead? Duh, it’s Tom Hardy! Pretty sad when I have to let the credit tell me. Somehow I love him as an actor, and never recognize him. (He’s either a chameleon, or has looks like mashed potatoes). Who is the woman? Oh yeah, that is Noomi Rapace. Gary Oldman I know, even when I’d rather not. I’d never heard of the book. I understand it’s a hot property? After reading up a little bit, it’s apparently the first in a trilogy (can anyone not write a trilogy?) and transposes the crimes of Andrei Chikatilo twenty years prior to get some political juice out of them. With luck it will be half as good as the adaptations of David Peace’s Red Riding trilogy. I’ll see it for Mr. Hardy, but my hopes are not high. How I hate put-on Russian accents.


A trailer with a quote from Ibsen. How could I not have guessed this would be Noah Baumbach? Probably because it looked somewhat mainstream and humorous, and not filled with the most loathsome people in the world. I’m glad he’s maybe lightening up – Frances Ha looked damned grating, but turned out to be pretty good. Otherwise, his best films are still his early ones (Kicking and Screaming and particularly Highball, which he sadly has disowned as an embarrassment).


Oh Ron Howard, why? This looks like such hackwork. The first sin is that the tall ship is sporting an American flag that looks suspiciously contemporary. But based on the “myth” of Moby Dick? Yes, what used to be called literature now exists as hazy recollection, passed down from parent to child. “Ever heard of the great white whale, son? No? Oh well.” I guess old Moby was too boring, so going with proto-Moby allowed him to spice it up with some cannibalism. Call me Tastes like Chicken.


Somehow I’d not heard of this one – I thought it was yet another RoboCop reboot at first. Until I saw Yolandi Visser. Holla! Can Neill Blomkamp think about anything other than futuristic dystopias? It matters not, as the cast looks really good, and the premise intriguing. Come on, I need something to get excited about.


One good dystopia deserves another… very boring dystopia. ANOTHER Terminator film? And it looks like it’s directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. A reboot? Please, dear god, let us not relaunch this whole series… but no. Ahnuld is back, so somehow there is continuity I suppose. But we really are scraping the chud off the bottom of the barrel here. The best film in the series was probably number 2 (although scrappy number 1 has my heart) and that was 1991. 1991! Conduct this little thought experiment, dear friends. Imagine a film that was 25 years old in 1991 still having sequels churned out for it. The Best, the Worst, and the Bleeha? Who’s Still Afraid of Old Lady Woolf? Alfie 6?

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